So much time has passed, and so much has changed for me. I went home and stressed out about writing a 10 page approval paper (which was finished just in the knick of time), I hung out with my best friends, I worked at getting Scottie to trust that I wouldn't leave him like that again (poor thing was scared to death every time I walked out the door with a bag :/), Senior year began as a Christian Ed MAR and ended as a 2011 MAR Diaconal Ministry graduate (which was a hard decision to come around to!), had the worst fights I've had with friends, managed to keep a roommate for a full year (!), fire pits, crazy and odd nights, fun projects, visiting Pine Ridge over Spring Break, reading, late night talks, moved home for a month and had no room, took my first trip to Michigan, VENDAMOO :-), and only God can tell you all the highlights that I've missed!
And now I'm here again, but for a longer period of time (prayerfully and hopefully). God hasn't lead me away from this place. There's something about the people and the ministry here that won't let go. I've come with no money and no steady source of income. I received money from my home congregation, but that will only last me until the end of this month (again, prayerfully and hopefully). I don't think I'm here for God to send me home so soon... but if it happens, it happens. I'd be so lost if I went home... I'm in limbo because my sense of call is more towards the kind of ministry that is being done here, at the Pine Ridge Retreat Center... I just have to keep my eyes, ears, and heart open to God.
And who knows, I may have failed ethics... again... and have to go home. I'm worried about that... I told very few people, but now that the class is over it doesn't matter any more. I mean, it mattered when I got the email the week before graduation and didn't think they were going to let me walk... I didn't feel like I deserved it even though they let me... I've never failed a class before... it was quite humbling... but the grace that I was shown has touched me. The class finished a week ago... I just hope I hear soon.
It's been a roller coaster ride being back. I think Tresita has said it best, though. While I was here in March she said something to the effect that I come and leave quietly, so it's almost like I don't leave at all! The first few days were spent in shock over money, moving, Scottie's reaction to moving so far away from home, and the realization that I'm not sure the next time (if ever) I'll be back in Leesville for an extended period of time. It was hard to tear up roots that are so deeply grounded in that place... my ancestors have been in that area since immigration began. That in itself I struggle with... just wondering who we displaced in that process...
I've never felt more lost yet, at the same time, so sure. It's the internal paradox I deal with daily. I wonder where God will lead me tomorrow....
Peace and love!
~Alicia
Monk & Neagle Lyrics – The Twenty-First Time
Nowhere to live, nowhere to fall
He used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time
He used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time
He sleeps under stars, that’s all he can afford
His blanket’s an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time
His blanket’s an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time
He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time
She’s twenty-nine but she feels forty-eight
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time
She may be a stranger tryin’ to get through the day
but what if it’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time
but what if it’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time
This is a call for a change in my heart
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them
Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time
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